So, after a long and well thought out discussion, my husband and I decided to purchase ourselves a home gym. We both wanted to work out (he wants to bulk up and I want to thin out) but neither one of us wanted to pay the pricey monthly gym memberships and be locked into a contract for a minimum of a year. We also wanted to be able to go together and most gyms around where we live are either women only or full of guys who look like they belong on the show, Jersey Shore (which neither of us wanted to see while working out). After doing a lot of research and talking to different health and fitness experts we decided to opt for a Bowflex.
Christmas time was very good to me, just not my waist line. I put on about 5 pounds over the holidays and for me this is unacceptable. I can't wait for the Bowflex to arrive so we as a couple can begin a fitness journey together. I'm a little nervous as the equipment is HUGE and looks a little intimidating and I'm hoping that it will be easy to figure out the exercises and changing from one exercise to another won't be too difficult. According to the instruction manual it's very easy to follow so I'm hoping they're right.
As most or all of you know I started my weight loss journey when I got engaged to my husband in April 2009. At that time I weighed 315 pounds and did not want to be that weight when I walked down the aisle. I started with a simple calorie reduction in my diet and began to shed the pounds slowly. As this didn't seem to happen fast enough I began to purge the few calories I was eating. This made the weight come off even faster and I was happy but not necessarily healthy. When my wedding day finally arrived on May 8th 2010 I weighed 210 pounds. A ton of weight was gone and I felt like the most beautiful bride in the world BUT I wasn't ready to quit yet. I still felt that I had a TON of weight to lose. Many of you have not had as much weight to lose as I have so you might not be aware of what happens to a person when they go through all these physical changes. Regardless of the fact that my clothes were getting looser and the number on the scale kept shrinking, my brain was (and still is) continuing to tell me that I was obese. Unless you have been in my position it's hard to understand exactly what I am saying, but it feels like looking through a fun house mirror. You know what I'm talking about, the ones that when you stand in front of them your image is all distorted causing you to look shorter and fatter or taller and thinner than you really are? That is the best way to describe what I'm going through. No matter how much I try I can't get my brain to see my new body. All I continue to see is the old severely obese body.
With all that being said, my bulimia took quite a toll on my body and I finally had to admit to my husband and mom that I was under its thumb. My mom took me to the doctors and he explained the dangers of what I was doing to my body. I left feeling ashamed and frustrated as all I wanted was to lose weight and be the skinny girl I have always dreamed about. During this time, my husband was working night shifts and no one honestly trusted me to be home alone so I spent many nights sleeping at my parents until my husband could switch back to day shifts. At my parents they monitored my food intake and how long I was spending in the bathroom as I tried my best to hide the fact that I was still trying to find the time to purge in secret. As this became impossible to do at my parents I slowly was able to break the cycle of binging and purging which was a difficult time for me.
On December 10th 2010 I was waiting for my husband to come home from work so we could join my family for a night of bowling to celebrate my little sisters birthday. I began to get a terrible headache so I chose to lay down and take a nap, hoping to rid myself of the headache. When I got up I took a shower and decided to go pick up the parcel that was waiting for us at the post office. It was once I got to the store that I suddenly felt absolutely awful, I started to feel shaky and hot, my vision became blurred and before I could even make it out of the store to get some fresh air I saw nothing but white lights before smashing my head on the window lock and falling to the floor. My husband was called at work and he rushed down to take me to the Emergency Room. I was put on a heart monitor and found out that I had an irregular heartbeat as well as low blood pressure. I went to see my doctor and he believes that my issues are caused from my weight loss and bulimia. Scary. I still get dizzy and have to sit and put my feet up as well as I have constant numbness in my feet and feel my hearts irregular beats so strongly in my chest that I actually have chest pains. It's scary to think that what once seemed like such an innocent thought of losing weight turned into this ugly downward spiral of health problems but it did and very easily I might add.
With all that being said, and 2011 just beginning I have given myself a New Years resolution that I should have had from the start. It isn't to lose as much weight as possible, it isn't to be able to fit into a size 6 jeans, it isn't to never gain a pound back ever. My New Years Resolution this year is to put myself first. To realize that my body needs to be healthy over thin. To train my brain to love me for me and lastly to become healthy mentally and physically so I can finally say I'm not the girl who is dying to be thin anymore.
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